With all the seriousness in the world today, who doesn’t appreciate a good laugh? Laughing is one of the great pleasures of life and a good joke always leads to a good laugh! Whether it’s a “knock knock” joke from when you were a kid, the ones about little Johnny, or the dirty ones you learned sometime when you were in middle school or high school, when they’re funny, they’re funny! Below are the funniest jokes that are sure to make you crack up!
Little Johnny & Mrs. Smith
Teacher Smith: Johnny, if you had $5.00 and you asked your father for $3.00 more, how many dollars would you have?
Little Johnny: I would have five dollars…
Teacher Smith: You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
Little Johnny: You don’t know my father, Mrs. Smith.
Teacher: Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I’m sure there are some stupid students in here!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Ohh, Johnny, you think you’re stupid?
Little Johnny: No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”
The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bite.”
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch!” He says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!”
The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Don’t Let Her Win!
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
The Elephant And The Man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through something so small?”
The Principal’s Daughter
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
A Mom And Her Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.” The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. “I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.” Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re assholes!”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”